Well, in 2.5 hours it will be April 1st!!! Hopefully by 10am tomorrow Ill have an appointment scheduled for St. Louis or at least be talking to my doctor about all the new options I have! Tomorrow is also April fools day, so in honor of my favorite doll as a child I would like to say…
Seven days until April 1st and the beginning of a long awaited journey. I have a doctors appointment with Dr. Cruz @ 9:15 and hopefully we will be scheduleing an appointment for St. Louis. Now all Im waiting on are my insurance cards to show up in the mail!!!
Today I signed up for my group health insurance at work! That means come April 1st all infertility costs will be covered and we will be able to seek help from a reproductive endocrinologist in St. Louis! The first thing I did was open up my handbook and make sure that there were no loop holes or ways they could get out of it, and there isnt! I know that doesnt mean anything will change but theres now hope that it could. That also means my horrible individual insurance will not get another dime out of me for their rediculously high monthly rates! God has been showing me that He does still have a plan for my life. First by an incredibly selfless offer from a friend to carry mine and Adams child if needed and now with an opportunity to try on our own if possible. Today I feel like a child is a real possibility for our future. Today Im smiling instead of crying. I almost have a peace about myself…almost. Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts. Some of you barely know me yet have opened your hearts to Adam and I in a way that is truely amazing. Please continue to pray that God will show Himself to us and that this peace I feel is real. Pray that come April we will have more definite answers.
I had my first patient that I was unwilling and unable to take care of the other night. I know Im a nurse and Im supposed to look past everything and be unbiased and give the best care possible but I just couldnt with this girl. I had a young girl come in who was having severe cramping and bleeding. I brought her back to the room and she told me that she had had her second abortion in less than 6 months and she was starting to have unbearable pain. I was smiling on the outside and taking her information but on the inside my mouth hit the floor and my heart was about to beat out of my chest. I turned her care over to another nurse who was able to give her the care she needed without being rude and uncaring, then I went to the bathroom and cried yet again.
I know everyone who reads this is going to tell me God doesnt give you more than you can handle and all kinds of things like that but Im finding it very hard to believe that Im not being tortured for something Ive done. Unless youve stood in my shoes then its impossible to understand the pain I feel. This is the second month in a row that Ive had to look at yet another bad lab result and another negative pregnancy test only to have my infertility thrown in my face by someone who was blessed with a child deciding to have an abortion. I know God doesnt torture His children and bla bla bla. Im sorry but I just dont want to hear it. Im hurt, devastated, torn, heartbroken, on my last leg. This is more than I can handle. Inside Im losing it. I can put on a good face on the outside and go about my daily things but inside all I do is cry and scream and hate everything about my condition. I hate that I cant get pregnant. I hate that my sweet husband who wants a baby more than anything can not be a dad because his wife is all screwed up inside. I hate when I look at the love my in-laws give to my beautiful neice and nephew and know inside that that will never be my children and Ill never have that bound. I hate that Im starting to lose all hope in Gods will for my life. I think my torture is the worst kind. It eats you from the inside out. It destroys everything about you. Oh Lord, why do you let me suffer to much? Why do you keep bringing me face to face with those who have killed the most precious gift? Why do I feel like your torturing me? Please help me Father! Please save me from this all encompassing disease! Please give me a sign of hope, of love, of anything besides this pain!
