To us having a baby is a priceless gift, yet today Adam and I found out just how much priceless will actually be. For one invitro fertilization cycle (IVF) the cost before insurance is $12,000-$14,000. Honestly, I dont care. I would pay anything for that chance to carry my own child and I know that Adam feels the same. God has blessed us every step of the way and has provided in ways I didnt think were possible. Yet today as I heard the “cost of life” I couldnt help but be a little discouraged. As I sat there listening to Dr. Ratts talk, I couldnt help but think about the Planned Parenthood clinic just 2 blocks away. I thought about how ironic it was that I was listening to how much I could potentially have to pay for a 50% chance of getting pregnant while someone else was possibly hearing how much it would cost her to abort her unwanted bundle of joy. It broke my heart to think that 2 blocks away from where I sat the price of the mothers life was more important than her sweet babies and for less than $500 she could destroy the life of that child, literally. There are so many wannabe mothers and fathers who walk in and out of my doctors office every day. Each willing to give whatever the cost for the chance of conceiving and becoming the parent they long to be. I just cant imagine what makes someone so desperate that they feel their only choice for their baby is death when it is so obvious to me that there is an abundance of ready and willing parents who are more than willing to love and cherish that sweet baby! Actually I can imagine and it makes me shutter. Its the complete abscence of God in their lives and the full prescence of sin that controls them. How horrible it must be to feel to be so lost and so deep in the world that you would be willing to murder your child in the hopes that you are making your own life better. The verse at the top of my page, Jeremiah 29:11, rings more true to me now that it ever has. I am blessed to be a child of God and to have been chosen as one of his own. His words to me are like that of a loving parent. He knew all of my faults and he knew how I would betray Him and run astray, yet he choose to give me “a future and a hope”. He loved me before conception as I do the child I do not have yet. And like me it didnt matter what the cost was to Him just to have me as His child. Yet unlike me, the cost for Him was His blood shed on the cross and ultimately His death. How can I complain about the price I have to pay when He gave so much more for me? How can I not trust that He does have a plan for my life that is full of good and hope? My heart breaks for the women who sit at the Planned Parenthood and do not understand how I feel. I ache thinking that they have been fooled into believing the lies of this world and for that their innocent child must pay the ultimate price to “save” them from a life of misery and struggle. Yet in the mist of this heartache I am rejoicing. I am no longer crying tears of “why me!?” Now I am crying tears of joy that my Lord loved me so much that He saved me from the pain and despair that so many others feel. I know understand what it means to give the ultimate cost for life and am thankful that I have an eternal life awaiting me with my heavenly Father!
Holy Mule!
Meet Cyrus! He is the baby of my 25yr old pony/appaloosa, Rosebud. Two weekends ago my parents and little sisters went away for the weekend to Holiday World. Whey they returned they had a message about Rosebud. They assumed that the guy taking care of the cows had found her and wanted to give us the bad news. They were extremly surprised to find out that instead Rosebud had given birth to a bouncing baby boy. Ive decided that he is a miracle baby. Rosebud has been in bad health the last few years and we all figured she was living on borrowed time. This last winter she was extremly down in the back and could barely walk. We even considered putting her down but she slowly started to improve so we opted out of that option. She lives out in my grandpas cow pasture for most of the summer and is usually hanging out right in the middle of the herd along with the donkeys, but the last few weeks she was avoiding them and hiding in the back of the pasture. We assumed she was looking for a final resting place, but instead she was looking for a birthing place that would be safe. My sister Kaydee named the baby Cyrus after Miley Cyrus. Yes I agree that is cheesy but it actually is a good name for a mule I think. I also think that Cyrus is another one of Gods ways to show me His infinite power. Sometimes I forget that He can do anything that He wants to because its so much easier for me to sulk in my self pity and assume that all hope is gone. With set back after set back in my plan for making baby Lewis its become almost second nature for me to assume that no miracle will happen because there is no hope. With my worsening pessimistic attitude God has had to become more creative in His ways of showing me that He is capable of anything and He will work a miracle in my life in His timing. I think allowing a 25yr old pony to have her first/only baby at the end of her life is a pretty creative and impressive way of opening my eyes. To my family Cyrus is just a cute new pet, but to me he is a symbol of so much more. He is my hope of grace. I know that God shouldnt have to use such drastic ways to show me that He is more than capable of allowing me to become pregnant, but he knows my stubborn heart and goes drastic anyway. So in a nut shell, if Rosebud can have a baby then I can have a baby! It may take me longer than most people but God willing I’ll have my miracle baby too. For know I’ll just enjoy watching Piper and Cyrus play together and try my best to remember the infinite grace that God has.
Insurance blues
So we have hit a snag. Apparently there is this thing called a pre-existing condition clause which means we can not see the doctor in St. Louis until after December 27!!!!!! Im soooo upset and devastated but Blue Cross said there may be a way out of it. If I can prove I had prior coverage and I have beyond a shadow of a doubt a medical neccessity for going to St. Louis then they may consider either shortening the clause or removing it completely. So what it all boils down to is that we can either get help in a month or two or we may have to wait 7 or more months before we can even begin the process. When we went on the 8th I left with such hope and I couldnt wait to start having tests run and just begin to even talk about the possibilities and now I feel like we are farther away than ever from becoming the parents we long to be. Ive tried to be brave throughout this whole ordeal but now its becoming hard to hold onto any hope. Everytime I get a little glimmer something seems to blow it out. I know 7 months isnt that long but to me it seems like an eternity when we’ve been put on hold for so long. Please pray that God will work this out to His will and whatever the decision is that I will be able to handle it.
Nightmare
So I had a bad dream today. An awful dream actually. I dreamed that the Dr. in St. Louis told me there was nothing she could do, that I was a lost cause, and that I should just give up. I really hope this isnt a premonition of some sort. I got all my paperwork in the mail yesterday for my appt so Im hoping its just my fears rearing their head in my dreams…I was really excited about going but know I have the knot in my stomach and Im kinda scared of going…
…Bring May Flowers
May 8th is the big day!! Adam and I have a consultation scheduled for 1pm to see this doctor..
Dr. Valerie Ratts! I cant wait to meet her and hear what she has to say. She specializes in the bad cases of infertility. Her medical information includes…B.S.: Chemistry, University of Illinois, Urbana, Illinois, 1983
Medical Degree: Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, Baltimore, Maryland, 1987
Residency: Obstetrics and Gynecology, Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, Baltimore, Maryland, 1991
Fellowship: Reproductive Endocrinology, Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, Baltimore, Maryland, 1993
Very impressive 
and her awards include…
Listed in America’s Top Doctors, fourth edition, Castle Connolly Medical Ltd, 2004
Listed in Best Doctors in America, 2003 (Best Doctors, Inc)
Listed in America’s Top Doctors, third edition, Castle Connolly Medical Ltd, 2003
Listed in America’s Top Doctors, second edition, Castle Connolly Medical Ltd, 2002
The Best Doctors in America, 2002, Best Doctors, Inc
Diabetes Research and Training Center Pilot and Feasibility Grant, 2000
Excellence in Teaching Award, Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology
Washington University, 1997, 1998
National Institute of Health, Reproductive Scientist Development Award, 1991
again very impressive!! She is located here..
My lab results came back bad again this month and my doctor is started to become concerned that my body is going into menopause!!! Im praying thats not it because that means my body thinks is 50 and not 25 and that I will never get pregnant. Please pray that our appointment will go well and we will finally get some solid answers!! Thank you to everyone who has been praying and keeping us in your thoughts and giving me such kind words! You have no idea how much you all mean to me and how you have helped me through some of my worst times! Adam and I are truely grateful to have friends like you!!!
April Showers…
Well, in 2.5 hours it will be April 1st!!! Hopefully by 10am tomorrow Ill have an appointment scheduled for St. Louis or at least be talking to my doctor about all the new options I have! Tomorrow is also April fools day, so in honor of my favorite doll as a child I would like to say…
Let the count down begin!
Seven days until April 1st and the beginning of a long awaited journey. I have a doctors appointment with Dr. Cruz @ 9:15 and hopefully we will be scheduleing an appointment for St. Louis. Now all Im waiting on are my insurance cards to show up in the mail!!!
Hope
Today I signed up for my group health insurance at work! That means come April 1st all infertility costs will be covered and we will be able to seek help from a reproductive endocrinologist in St. Louis! The first thing I did was open up my handbook and make sure that there were no loop holes or ways they could get out of it, and there isnt! I know that doesnt mean anything will change but theres now hope that it could. That also means my horrible individual insurance will not get another dime out of me for their rediculously high monthly rates! God has been showing me that He does still have a plan for my life. First by an incredibly selfless offer from a friend to carry mine and Adams child if needed and now with an opportunity to try on our own if possible. Today I feel like a child is a real possibility for our future. Today Im smiling instead of crying. I almost have a peace about myself…almost. Thank you all for your prayers and thoughts. Some of you barely know me yet have opened your hearts to Adam and I in a way that is truely amazing. Please continue to pray that God will show Himself to us and that this peace I feel is real. Pray that come April we will have more definite answers.
Torture
I had my first patient that I was unwilling and unable to take care of the other night. I know Im a nurse and Im supposed to look past everything and be unbiased and give the best care possible but I just couldnt with this girl. I had a young girl come in who was having severe cramping and bleeding. I brought her back to the room and she told me that she had had her second abortion in less than 6 months and she was starting to have unbearable pain. I was smiling on the outside and taking her information but on the inside my mouth hit the floor and my heart was about to beat out of my chest. I turned her care over to another nurse who was able to give her the care she needed without being rude and uncaring, then I went to the bathroom and cried yet again.
I know everyone who reads this is going to tell me God doesnt give you more than you can handle and all kinds of things like that but Im finding it very hard to believe that Im not being tortured for something Ive done. Unless youve stood in my shoes then its impossible to understand the pain I feel. This is the second month in a row that Ive had to look at yet another bad lab result and another negative pregnancy test only to have my infertility thrown in my face by someone who was blessed with a child deciding to have an abortion. I know God doesnt torture His children and bla bla bla. Im sorry but I just dont want to hear it. Im hurt, devastated, torn, heartbroken, on my last leg. This is more than I can handle. Inside Im losing it. I can put on a good face on the outside and go about my daily things but inside all I do is cry and scream and hate everything about my condition. I hate that I cant get pregnant. I hate that my sweet husband who wants a baby more than anything can not be a dad because his wife is all screwed up inside. I hate when I look at the love my in-laws give to my beautiful neice and nephew and know inside that that will never be my children and Ill never have that bound. I hate that Im starting to lose all hope in Gods will for my life. I think my torture is the worst kind. It eats you from the inside out. It destroys everything about you. Oh Lord, why do you let me suffer to much? Why do you keep bringing me face to face with those who have killed the most precious gift? Why do I feel like your torturing me? Please help me Father! Please save me from this all encompassing disease! Please give me a sign of hope, of love, of anything besides this pain!
Please give me your baby!
Today I had yet another doctors appointment. It makes my 5th appointment in as many months. Each has been the same. I start with a 30 minute drive to the office that usually consists of me crying and praying that this time I will get some good news or at least a glimmer of hope. Then once I arrive I have to sit and brace myself for what I know lies inside, a waiting room full of pregnant women and women who have just had a baby. Once I get the courage to walk through the sea of babies, I go in, sign my name on the list, and head for my chair in the corner closest to the desk. I think part of me hopes that if I sit close to the receptionist she will see my pain and have pity on me, letting me go in ahead of all the others, but that never happens. Then I search through the pile of magazines next to me trying to find one that doesnt have a pregnant lady or baby on the front. After what seems like an eternity of waiting I head back. Get all my vital signs taken, talk about my previous months results and possible reasons for my terrible levels, get an exam to make sure my meds are not causing problems, then get more blood drawn. Most days would end here. I would be done, walk out, and head home. Today ended differently though. As I sat waiting to get my blood drawn I over heard the girl in front of me making her appointment to see a doctor in St. Louis. At first I had pity for her assuming she was having the same problems as me and was going to see a fertility specialist, but then I heard what the appointment was really for. An abortion. I think every part of my body went numb. The inner me wanted to run out to the desk, throw myself on the ground, wrap myself around her legs, and plead that she would change her mind. Beg that she would look at me and ask that she please, please, please give me her baby. Tell her how much love I could give him/her, how I would pay and do anything she wanted in order for her to just give me a chance to show her how my way was better, and refuse to let go until she agreed. I couldnt do that though. Instead I just sat in my room, had my blood drawn, and then walked right by her trying to not cry. How could someone so blessed do something so horrible and unimagionable to me? How could she not want the sweet baby growing inside her? Days like this make it even harder for me to see the bigger picture and to look to the future and understand that God has a greater plan for my life and isnt just putting me through such pain and anguish for nothing.
